well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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