I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
