I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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