ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
