At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
