i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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