woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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