How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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