it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
