Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
