Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
