You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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