it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
