The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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