the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
