Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
