Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
