you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
