did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
