I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
