Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
