Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
