Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
