ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
