hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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