Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
