its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
