I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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