The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
