im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
