after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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