if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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