woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
you never un-have a 4some
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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