I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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