She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
