The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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