so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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