Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
