The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
