My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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