just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
