Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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