Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When did angry sex become our thing?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
