Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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