I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
