i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
