I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
