I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
