What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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