I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
