If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
